Praise Fid!

Everything keeps getting more stressing. I came to my Grandma’s house, and everything was okay at first. But, shortly after, my dad disappeared, and my grandma, and for some reason my grandpa… well, let me give you a little backstory. He ran away when my dad was six. He started dying, and the selfish fucker ended up coming back to be a burden on my grandma for the final parts of his life. He can’t really do much, and he has her like, wait on him, and she does, I guess because she still has feelings for him after 40 years. Or, maybe she’s just compassionate. I’m leaning toward the former.

In any event, this guy, who I only met several months ago, and I barely fucking know (along with my grandma for some reason), are getting on me about how much I suck, and how worthless I am because I don’t have any “direction” in my life. They go on about how web design won’t get me anywhere, and how the past two years of my life are a waste because I haven’t done anything with them. Which, in their eyes means, I haven’t made much money, and I haven’t done anything like college that they think would expedite the process of getting money.

But, they don’t understand how things are today. The market, expecially the web design market, is over-saturated with a bunch of over-qualified dicks with degrees and certifications in everything. Oh, and get this, my grandpa apparently never heard of an MCSE, and called it a two-bit online certification in bullshit. But, I digress…. they are used to their days, when someone could work their ass off and make an honest living in something, being fairly successful if they had degrees. But, it’s not like that anymore, and a bunch of poor, misguided kids are in college, working their butts off for a scrap of paper that’s going to mean very little in this silly world. It’s all about who you know now, and who will hire you because you know someone they know.

Anyways, they yelled at me for all sorts of shit, and told me I’ll never be a success, and working odd jobs to try to get by until my web design stuff picks up is below me, because I’m soooo smart. Well, with that fucking logic, everything short of quantum mechanics is below me. I don’t care, I’m used to having to do things that are below me, since just about everything comes easy. I’m aware of how conceited that sounds, but, it’s really just true. Take it with a grain of salt. They told me I need to go back to college, or join the military. They said how I could only go for two years if I wanted to. My argument was “That’s two years of my life I’d be throwing away so everyone could make my decisions for me, instead of me actually living my own life.” They said it was only two years, and my grandpa bragged about how he was 71. I said that it was “two whole years” to which my grandma replied that that shouldn’t matter, because I’d wasted the past two years of my life.

Heaven for-fucking-bid I tell them that almost everyone I know that’s worth anything came into my life in the past two years, let alone the fact that I have a fiancée. I told them I didn’t define my success monetarily. This pissed my grandma off for some reason. She asked how I defined it. I said “being happy”. And she snapped, “Well, what makes you happy?” And I told her my friends did. And she said my friends were worthless at this point, and where the hell are they now when I’m down and out… I guess she forgot I was just WITH one of my friends, and I came here of my own accord because I was stressed there because of his dad, and I was told it’d be more relaxing there. They offered.

So, what the hell?

The past two years of my life… I learned so much. I saved so many people’s lives, hundreds. I helped lots of people stop cutting, too. I’ve done a lot. But, telling them that my friends make me happy… that upset them. So, imagine if I were to tell them that I liked helping people, and that’s what I want to do with my life, or despite the fact that I’m so young, I’m in love already, and I know she’s the one, and I want to marry her, and she wants the same thing….

Damnit, it’s like selfishness is so hard-coded into them that they can’t even comprehend me wanting to do something altruistic with my life. It’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t want to be normal, I want to do extraordinary things… so, why would the path I choose be full of mediocrity?

I second-guessed myself a lot, based on what they said, I wondered if I was wrong, if I was just lazy, or if I was being self-sabotaging because I’m capable of so much… based on my IQ, test scores, percentiles… things that are so high I don’t want anyone to know (because I have a weird thing about people not treating me equally)… for the first time in years my self-esteem has actually been in the negatives.

I still feel like crap, and I’m still depressed, but, I thought about everything, I re-evaluated some long-held opinions, and I came to the conclusion that they’re wrong. I was right all along. They are just the same fuckers other good people come across in their life, trying to hold them back for whatever reason. Just so everyone can be one big, societally-conforming, happy family. But, that’s not who I am. I don’t even like most of my family, and I never really did. I mean, I love them, I love everyone, but, I’m not part of them. I’m not part of any of this crap.

It could be delusional, but, regardless, I believe it. I’m something different, and I’m going to do great things. And not a damned one of them will stop me.

To think that there could be so many things I’m capable of, so much good I could do, so many people I could help… and they want to hold me back based on the grounds that it’s not normal, standard procedure? Because everyone else is doing the same basic thing, and most mediocrely successful people all do this thing, so, I should too?

Fuck.

That.

Shit.

There’s a chance I may fail, but, there’s also a chance I may succeed, and all of the people who have actually made something magnificent with their life, all the people who changed people’s lives, all of the people who made history doing something amazing, all the people who changed the world for the better, and were remembered as one of history’s greatest people-

-they weren’t normal.

Anyhow, today was Thanksgiving. No one yelled at me, and I enjoyed the food. My internet is really slow though, and it sucks. It’ll hopefully be faster soon. I hope everyone enjoyed their day, and I hope, not because of commercialism, but, just because everyone thinks about this sort of thing around this time (I always do, and often express it :P)… I hope you all have at least one person, not any thing, but, one other human that you care about, that you’re thankful is in your life, because without them, it wouldn’t be nearly the same, it wouldn’t be nearly as happy, and without their impact, it wouldn’t be your life.

Have a great day, everyone!

I’m moving tomorrow. Again. So, everything promises tobe hectic. Although, on the bright side, I met Alyse today. Although, the whole affair was a tad disappointing. *shrugs*

Ooh, I get to meet Sharday tomorrow, hopefully. *crosses fingers*

I’m not sure I’m entirely excited about moving in with family. I don’t feel the same way about my family that most people do, but, I have my reasons. It’s either going to be more or less stressful, and I can’t tell which.

I just miss Shelby. I’m sick of not being with her. She’s my world, and I miss her so much. It’s like she said, it’s home. And it’s like I’ve been away from home for so long. And she’s so sad, I just wish I could be there for her, and make her feel better. I know just being with her would make my day week life.

End.

Normally I don’t stress very much, but, lately, I’ve been really stressed. Thus my apparent lack of posting lately. Also, I’ve been working on some server stuff to try to get KefkaTube up and running. It’s not going terribly well.

The economy isn’t really doing that well, and even with two jobs, we weren’t able to afford rent. So, my roommate and I moved into his dad’s house as a temporary thing, and… I hate it here, to say the least. For some reason, the air conditioner doesn’t work in the room I’m staying in, so, it’s really hot. Temperature seems to affect my overall quality of life. I have far more internet than I thought I would though. I feel distant from everyone though, I can’t find a job, and I really miss Shelby.

On the bright side, I’m really in love. And she finally told her parents that we met. I really hate this whole dihonesty thing, but, every time I insist she be honest with them, or I do it myself, it all explodes and erupts into something even worse. She’s right, they really don’t want to know. I guess I just find it hard to comprehend that people can really be like that. I mean, I know they are out there, but, it’s disheartening to actually deal with them. People just keep continuing to disappoint.

Anyhow, I should hopefully be moving soon. Not somewhere much better, but, it’s at least with my family, and has air conditioner.

Hopefully I’ll be able to post more, barring something unforeseen.

I loves me a Shelby.

People seem to keep having their own damned problems that they shove down my throat like I aske dfor them, which is fine, because I’d probably get around to it anyways, but, they have this tendency to impress them upon me, like I’m the fault of them.

The part that actually sucks is knowing they are wrong, and also knowing there’s not much I can do to make them see it.

They are always right this time, and I need to learn to trust them, but, after the bomb goes off, and after the smoke clears, I’m the one left to pick up the pieces. Which is fine, once.

Or twice.

Or twenty times.

But, eventually, you think they’d catch onto the part where maybe they start taking my advice? Where maybe they start trusting me, or acting like I know what I’m talking about? I mean, I’m not asking them to blindly follow, just to consider what I’m saying, maybe not shoot it down immediately? I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request, really.

In the end, all I really end up doing is wondering if I’m actually helping them get to where they were, or if they are just an algorithm that was always going to do what they ended up doing, and maybe I was just there for it.

Either way, it’s significantly annoying to go on the same ride over and over…

and over.

And in the end, they take it out on me. The time I don’t want to be there for their crap, the time I don’t want to pick up their pieces, maybe the time I just don’t want to be involved in the stress… I’m a bad friend who always causes things, and no wonder <insert whatever my current problem is>. It’s surely because people hate/loathe/dislike/think I’m conceited/whatever. They don’t seem to remember everything I’m done with, or maybe even that I’m not the bad guy, before they lash out at me saying how awful I am.

And by some screw up, they’re all I have to turn to when things go badly for me. Oh, fun.

“You make it sound so easy to be alive… But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day, when everything inside of me has died? My reply: Trust me girl, I know your legs are pleading to leap, but I offer you this easy choice: instead of dying, living with me….“

How real is it? I mean, is it real? Everyone seems to make up lies on the spot, to think they are more important. Is there any truth in the words they say, or are they completely lies? Do these people actually believe their lies, or do they not want to admit the truth because they’ve stuck by the lies for so long. Is it a matter of pride, of giving up all the time and fighting they’ve wasted on it, or have their lies even fooled themselves?

More than any of that, is that what I’ve done, is that what I’m doing? Have I lied and fooled myself too? Or am I different? But what if I’m the only one, how can I accurately tell if I’ve never seen someone like me before?

Is any of it real? Am I even real?

And these nights I get high, just from breathin’, when I lie here with you, I’m sure that I’m real…

And that’s the only time. I miss you, and I need you. I need to be with you again, to feel your breath on me, to feel you breath the air out of my lungs… I miss you. My life is all a large attempt to be near you again, to hold you in my arms.

I love you.

And it makes me really, really happy. =]

I’ve been horribly, miserably busy with web work as of late, so, there’s been a lack of posts. Aside from falling harder and harder for my seashell, nothing has been terribly eventful. I made a few new friends though, so, woo! I hope you’re all having a wonderful day!

I’m falling more in love with every single word, you say… I’m falling head over heels for you… I’ve been dancing on the tops of buildings, with you….

I feel so very far away, so very distant from everyone. I don’t like it. I’ve felt rather sad lately. I’ve been doing a lot of work on a private server, and watching FMA. That’s about it. Also, I made a new friend. I like her a lot.

But that’s it, I’m sad, alone. And I really miss Shelby. A lot.

“It’s so close, but, we’re so far away…”

(^ I think I’ve used that one already before. I’m not checking.)

I miss Shelby so much. It’s driving me insane. In a good way, I suppose. She’s all I think about at night, I drift off to sleep only because I’ve convinced myself for long enough that she feels like she’s close to me. I dream about her, I wake up with her, and then realize she’s gone. I think about her all day, day dreaming about her and trying to strategize the best way to see her and be with her for the rest of forever. Once I see her, I don’t want to have to leave her, for as long as I live. And even after that. That lasts until it’s late again, and I’m again wishing her beside me.

I keep hoping one time I’ll wish hard enough, and she’ll just be here. I… keep failing.

Anyhow, this weekend, I was taking classes for my security license. Hopefully this job won’t suck. I must admit… I feel a bit… off. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why out of everyone, I don’t want to do the things everyone else does so badly. I feel like by getting a normal job, I’m resigning myself to mediocrity, to a normal life. But I’m not normal. I’ll never be normal. I don’t want to ever be normal.

Everyone has dreams, and everyone wants them to happen… so many people try to postpone their dreams so they can do what they need to right now… and their dreams never happen. And it feels to me like the fundamental mistake they are making… is trying to lead a normal life. They call entrepreneurs risk-takers, because they risk everything they have to try to make some sort of multi-national-billion-dollar company. Most of them fail. Most of the ones that succeed seem to be awful people. So, our choices seem to be mediocrity, failure, or despicableness.

And it may be selfish, immature, or unrealistic, but, I don’t want any of those. I want to be a good person, help a lot of people, and become someone truly amazing. I’m not okay with mediocrity. I’m not okay with living the same life as everyone else. And I’m certainly not okay with being a bad person. I feel like getting myself a job, even if it is just to make money to try to get to her, is resigning myself to the same mediocrity that I’m so desperately trying to avoid. But… when I think about it… the love we share… there’s nothing mediocre about that. Even if no one knows, we’ll go down in unspoken history as the greatest love of all time- ever.

But… I have to make sure I never forget my dreams, that I never resign myself to being normal, or doing what I need to do to get by. I have to make sure I stay myself, and leave my life up to the inclination of fate, and the sheer luck and skill that seem to follow my life around. I don’t ever want to let myself do something normal for a living. I don’t ever want normalcy to consume my life. I want my life to be extraordinary, extravagant, stupendous, marvelous, magnificent- anything but ordinary. I won’t ever let myself forget that.

And I love her. More than anyone else can possibly imagine.

I don’t want to turn out like my father, or my relatives, in fact- I don’t want to turn out like anyone I ever met. I want to turn out like me. I don’t necessary need to be in the history books, but, I want to make the world a better place, and maybe I want my grand kids to look back with pride on their granddad, because he was a hero.

And I’m not coming to any of these conclusions now. Not by a long shot. I’m more just… remembering them, bringing them to the surface, reminding myself not to let my life fall into mediocrity, and expressing myself, as I often do, getting it out of my system, so everyone in earshot knows. And I suppose the idea of failing makes me feel a bit uneasy. Saying it aloud (or typing it) seems to make it feel more true, just expressing it, just getting my intent out, projecting it to the universe. I feel like if I believe strongly enough, it’ll be more likely, or harder to stop me.

I’m not deciding this now, I’m saying it. I’m going to do great things. I have to.

“With stars in your eyes, and with fire at your fingertips… burn down this city and everyone in it…“

Nothing has really changed. I start my second “real” job tomorrow. As if I need a real job to prove myself in the eyes of society. Fuck that shit. But, either way, I need to save up money for it all.

And I can’t stop reading that. It’s so extraordinary. It’s insane. I think I’m up to nine times per page now.

But, nothing new at the moment. I’ve just been working on my sites. nothing creative, no novel ideas, just busy. Exciting, no? Anyhow, the uneventfulness should pass soon.

“It’s so close, but we’re so far away…”

It’s all I can really say after reading that. I read it three times. It was so amazing. I can’t say what, because I shouldn’t, not on here, not now… but, I’m overly excited. It’s so utterly amazing.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to post about it? But gosh, am I happy.

“And these nights, I get high, just from breathin’… when I lie here with you, I’m sure that I’m real… like that firework over the freeway… I could stay here all day but that’s not how you feel… so why do you leave these questions unanswered? The circus awaits and you’re already gone… my Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile… what makes it so easy for you to be… walking by?“