Praise Fid!

Everything keeps getting more stressing. I came to my Grandma’s house, and everything was okay at first. But, shortly after, my dad disappeared, and my grandma, and for some reason my grandpa… well, let me give you a little backstory. He ran away when my dad was six. He started dying, and the selfish fucker ended up coming back to be a burden on my grandma for the final parts of his life. He can’t really do much, and he has her like, wait on him, and she does, I guess because she still has feelings for him after 40 years. Or, maybe she’s just compassionate. I’m leaning toward the former.

In any event, this guy, who I only met several months ago, and I barely fucking know (along with my grandma for some reason), are getting on me about how much I suck, and how worthless I am because I don’t have any “direction” in my life. They go on about how web design won’t get me anywhere, and how the past two years of my life are a waste because I haven’t done anything with them. Which, in their eyes means, I haven’t made much money, and I haven’t done anything like college that they think would expedite the process of getting money.

But, they don’t understand how things are today. The market, expecially the web design market, is over-saturated with a bunch of over-qualified dicks with degrees and certifications in everything. Oh, and get this, my grandpa apparently never heard of an MCSE, and called it a two-bit online certification in bullshit. But, I digress…. they are used to their days, when someone could work their ass off and make an honest living in something, being fairly successful if they had degrees. But, it’s not like that anymore, and a bunch of poor, misguided kids are in college, working their butts off for a scrap of paper that’s going to mean very little in this silly world. It’s all about who you know now, and who will hire you because you know someone they know.

Anyways, they yelled at me for all sorts of shit, and told me I’ll never be a success, and working odd jobs to try to get by until my web design stuff picks up is below me, because I’m soooo smart. Well, with that fucking logic, everything short of quantum mechanics is below me. I don’t care, I’m used to having to do things that are below me, since just about everything comes easy. I’m aware of how conceited that sounds, but, it’s really just true. Take it with a grain of salt. They told me I need to go back to college, or join the military. They said how I could only go for two years if I wanted to. My argument was “That’s two years of my life I’d be throwing away so everyone could make my decisions for me, instead of me actually living my own life.” They said it was only two years, and my grandpa bragged about how he was 71. I said that it was “two whole years” to which my grandma replied that that shouldn’t matter, because I’d wasted the past two years of my life.

Heaven for-fucking-bid I tell them that almost everyone I know that’s worth anything came into my life in the past two years, let alone the fact that I have a fiancée. I told them I didn’t define my success monetarily. This pissed my grandma off for some reason. She asked how I defined it. I said “being happy”. And she snapped, “Well, what makes you happy?” And I told her my friends did. And she said my friends were worthless at this point, and where the hell are they now when I’m down and out… I guess she forgot I was just WITH one of my friends, and I came here of my own accord because I was stressed there because of his dad, and I was told it’d be more relaxing there. They offered.

So, what the hell?

The past two years of my life… I learned so much. I saved so many people’s lives, hundreds. I helped lots of people stop cutting, too. I’ve done a lot. But, telling them that my friends make me happy… that upset them. So, imagine if I were to tell them that I liked helping people, and that’s what I want to do with my life, or despite the fact that I’m so young, I’m in love already, and I know she’s the one, and I want to marry her, and she wants the same thing….

Damnit, it’s like selfishness is so hard-coded into them that they can’t even comprehend me wanting to do something altruistic with my life. It’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t want to be normal, I want to do extraordinary things… so, why would the path I choose be full of mediocrity?

I second-guessed myself a lot, based on what they said, I wondered if I was wrong, if I was just lazy, or if I was being self-sabotaging because I’m capable of so much… based on my IQ, test scores, percentiles… things that are so high I don’t want anyone to know (because I have a weird thing about people not treating me equally)… for the first time in years my self-esteem has actually been in the negatives.

I still feel like crap, and I’m still depressed, but, I thought about everything, I re-evaluated some long-held opinions, and I came to the conclusion that they’re wrong. I was right all along. They are just the same fuckers other good people come across in their life, trying to hold them back for whatever reason. Just so everyone can be one big, societally-conforming, happy family. But, that’s not who I am. I don’t even like most of my family, and I never really did. I mean, I love them, I love everyone, but, I’m not part of them. I’m not part of any of this crap.

It could be delusional, but, regardless, I believe it. I’m something different, and I’m going to do great things. And not a damned one of them will stop me.

To think that there could be so many things I’m capable of, so much good I could do, so many people I could help… and they want to hold me back based on the grounds that it’s not normal, standard procedure? Because everyone else is doing the same basic thing, and most mediocrely successful people all do this thing, so, I should too?

Fuck.

That.

Shit.

There’s a chance I may fail, but, there’s also a chance I may succeed, and all of the people who have actually made something magnificent with their life, all the people who changed people’s lives, all of the people who made history doing something amazing, all the people who changed the world for the better, and were remembered as one of history’s greatest people-

-they weren’t normal.

Anyhow, today was Thanksgiving. No one yelled at me, and I enjoyed the food. My internet is really slow though, and it sucks. It’ll hopefully be faster soon. I hope everyone enjoyed their day, and I hope, not because of commercialism, but, just because everyone thinks about this sort of thing around this time (I always do, and often express it :P)… I hope you all have at least one person, not any thing, but, one other human that you care about, that you’re thankful is in your life, because without them, it wouldn’t be nearly the same, it wouldn’t be nearly as happy, and without their impact, it wouldn’t be your life.

Have a great day, everyone!

I’m moving tomorrow. Again. So, everything promises tobe hectic. Although, on the bright side, I met Alyse today. Although, the whole affair was a tad disappointing. *shrugs*

Ooh, I get to meet Sharday tomorrow, hopefully. *crosses fingers*

I’m not sure I’m entirely excited about moving in with family. I don’t feel the same way about my family that most people do, but, I have my reasons. It’s either going to be more or less stressful, and I can’t tell which.

I just miss Shelby. I’m sick of not being with her. She’s my world, and I miss her so much. It’s like she said, it’s home. And it’s like I’ve been away from home for so long. And she’s so sad, I just wish I could be there for her, and make her feel better. I know just being with her would make my day week life.

End.

Normally I don’t stress very much, but, lately, I’ve been really stressed. Thus my apparent lack of posting lately. Also, I’ve been working on some server stuff to try to get KefkaTube up and running. It’s not going terribly well.

The economy isn’t really doing that well, and even with two jobs, we weren’t able to afford rent. So, my roommate and I moved into his dad’s house as a temporary thing, and… I hate it here, to say the least. For some reason, the air conditioner doesn’t work in the room I’m staying in, so, it’s really hot. Temperature seems to affect my overall quality of life. I have far more internet than I thought I would though. I feel distant from everyone though, I can’t find a job, and I really miss Shelby.

On the bright side, I’m really in love. And she finally told her parents that we met. I really hate this whole dihonesty thing, but, every time I insist she be honest with them, or I do it myself, it all explodes and erupts into something even worse. She’s right, they really don’t want to know. I guess I just find it hard to comprehend that people can really be like that. I mean, I know they are out there, but, it’s disheartening to actually deal with them. People just keep continuing to disappoint.

Anyhow, I should hopefully be moving soon. Not somewhere much better, but, it’s at least with my family, and has air conditioner.

Hopefully I’ll be able to post more, barring something unforeseen.

I loves me a Shelby.