Magnificence vs. Mediocrity
I miss Shelby so much. It’s driving me insane. In a good way, I suppose. She’s all I think about at night, I drift off to sleep only because I’ve convinced myself for long enough that she feels like she’s close to me. I dream about her, I wake up with her, and then realize she’s gone. I think about her all day, day dreaming about her and trying to strategize the best way to see her and be with her for the rest of forever. Once I see her, I don’t want to have to leave her, for as long as I live. And even after that. That lasts until it’s late again, and I’m again wishing her beside me.
I keep hoping one time I’ll wish hard enough, and she’ll just be here. I… keep failing.
Anyhow, this weekend, I was taking classes for my security license. Hopefully this job won’t suck. I must admit… I feel a bit… off. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why out of everyone, I don’t want to do the things everyone else does so badly. I feel like by getting a normal job, I’m resigning myself to mediocrity, to a normal life. But I’m not normal. I’ll never be normal. I don’t want to ever be normal.
Everyone has dreams, and everyone wants them to happen… so many people try to postpone their dreams so they can do what they need to right now… and their dreams never happen. And it feels to me like the fundamental mistake they are making… is trying to lead a normal life. They call entrepreneurs risk-takers, because they risk everything they have to try to make some sort of multi-national-billion-dollar company. Most of them fail. Most of the ones that succeed seem to be awful people. So, our choices seem to be mediocrity, failure, or despicableness.
And it may be selfish, immature, or unrealistic, but, I don’t want any of those. I want to be a good person, help a lot of people, and become someone truly amazing. I’m not okay with mediocrity. I’m not okay with living the same life as everyone else. And I’m certainly not okay with being a bad person. I feel like getting myself a job, even if it is just to make money to try to get to her, is resigning myself to the same mediocrity that I’m so desperately trying to avoid. But… when I think about it… the love we share… there’s nothing mediocre about that. Even if no one knows, we’ll go down in unspoken history as the greatest love of all time- ever.
But… I have to make sure I never forget my dreams, that I never resign myself to being normal, or doing what I need to do to get by. I have to make sure I stay myself, and leave my life up to the inclination of fate, and the sheer luck and skill that seem to follow my life around. I don’t ever want to let myself do something normal for a living. I don’t ever want normalcy to consume my life. I want my life to be extraordinary, extravagant, stupendous, marvelous, magnificent- anything but ordinary. I won’t ever let myself forget that.
And I love her. More than anyone else can possibly imagine.
I don’t want to turn out like my father, or my relatives, in fact- I don’t want to turn out like anyone I ever met. I want to turn out like me. I don’t necessary need to be in the history books, but, I want to make the world a better place, and maybe I want my grand kids to look back with pride on their granddad, because he was a hero.
And I’m not coming to any of these conclusions now. Not by a long shot. I’m more just… remembering them, bringing them to the surface, reminding myself not to let my life fall into mediocrity, and expressing myself, as I often do, getting it out of my system, so everyone in earshot knows. And I suppose the idea of failing makes me feel a bit uneasy. Saying it aloud (or typing it) seems to make it feel more true, just expressing it, just getting my intent out, projecting it to the universe. I feel like if I believe strongly enough, it’ll be more likely, or harder to stop me.
I’m not deciding this now, I’m saying it. I’m going to do great things. I have to.
“With stars in your eyes, and with fire at your fingertips… burn down this city and everyone in it…“
