Praise Fid!

It’s all I can really say after reading that. I read it three times. It was so amazing. I can’t say what, because I shouldn’t, not on here, not now… but, I’m overly excited. It’s so utterly amazing.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to post about it? But gosh, am I happy.

“And these nights, I get high, just from breathin’… when I lie here with you, I’m sure that I’m real… like that firework over the freeway… I could stay here all day but that’s not how you feel… so why do you leave these questions unanswered? The circus awaits and you’re already gone… my Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile… what makes it so easy for you to be… walking by?“

My last post inspired me to compile a list of all my pet peeves. So, here goes:

• The phrase “pet peeve”. I like pets, and the word peeve is fine by itself. I even like “Peeves”, the ghost from Harry Potter. But this phrase bugs the shit out of me. It sounds like something uttered by a complete tool, the same kind who’d use words like stick-to-it-ive-ness.
• Complete tools.
• The word sticktoitiveness.
• The fact that freezers have no lights.
• The fact that bags of chips are only half way full when first opened.
• The large amount of people who have no real personality, yet have an over-earnestness in telling you just how awful you are for not sticking to societal norms.
• Blatantly incorrect grammar.
• Societal norms.
• Stupid people.
• Ignorance.
• People who are too stuck in their ways to try a new method for the same end.
• People who use one bad experience as a means to justify not doing something ever.
• People that have strong views on irrelevant things that hold no pertinence to life, yet run their life based on aforementioned views
• Religion.
• Politics.
• The word ‘umpteenth’.
• The word ‘uber’.
• When people say “welcome back” in IM conversations when you get back from a few minutes. It bothers me unless you were on vacation or something.
• Unfinished lists, especially ones about pet peeves.

New Pet Peeve: People I hardly know calling me from a blocked number and when I ask who it is, they exclaim, “It’s me!”

I love Shelby ohhhhh so much! I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s so insane. I don’t really have anything to say beyond that, as she’s all I’ve really been thinking about. I feel like my life has stopped due to lack of seeing her. I’m waiting somewhere outside of time for her to pull me back into existence. And it feels like forever. But when I get back, I won’t have been gone. Weird, eh?

“So I sit and wait and wonder, does anyone else feel like me? I’m so over-dosed on apathy and burnt out on sympathy…”

I’ve kind of noticed, whenever I use a semicolon, even if it’s proper, it looks wrong to me. Now, I know why. It’s because it’s -right there-, next to the comma key. Most people, including myself, don’t use semi-colons often, if at all. All it is is an accidental comma. And so when I see them, even if correct, my brain flags it- SPELLING MISTAKE! HAX! But, objectively, I know it’s right. But, in my heart, semi-colon is not my friend. And it never will be. I’m sorry.

“You… you’ve gotta get awayyy from meeee, ’cause yoooouuu, you don’t know what you dooo… tooo meeeee…“

So, the job I applied to called, and I got it, which means I’ll get to do security for concerts and stuff, which is -awesome-, and, Sharday called me twice, and so, I’m at least in contact with a few of my best friends now. José will be back soon, and so I’ll have someone to hang out with. Also, I have milk now!

The only downsides are, I miss Shelby. GOD, how I miss Shelby. I can’t stop telling everyone. I feel like love and its expressions are something to be shared, so, I express myself, but, it’s so overwhelming with the way I feel for her that I can’t stop talking about her. I do it so much. I’m sure I’m driving people insane. XD

And I was talking to Katie the other night and she just got mad at me for no reason. Everything was fine, but, then I said something affectionate, and minutes later she was being semi-mean, and off-putting. And then I go ahead and address it, as is my nature, and she just starts getting upset. And she ALWAYS thinks I start this crap. I don’t know if she’s lying to avoid blame herself, or if she’s so emotionally crippled that she subconsciously sabotages her friendships when they get too personal (at least the male ones). That would explain why most, if not all of her close friends are family or girls. I mean, I understand breakups can be hard, but, it’s been years, and because I was interested in her like, forever ago, it’s like I don’t even stand a chance as a friend now. But, I can’t really be bothered to let it get to me, not with her. Every time I do, I just get my feelings hurt. Eh, who am I kidding? I know I care. I wish I didn’t. Well, no, that’s not it either. I guess… sometimes I think I need better friends.

Then again, I do have a lot of really good friends. I guess I’ll just wait until they can sort their damned problems out. >.<

“And this’ll be the first time that in a week, that I’ll talk to you, and I can’t speak, it’s been three whole days since I’ve had sleep, ’cause I dream of his lips on your cheek, and I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I’m not that strong, and… I miss the lips that made me flyyyy….“

And I continue the trend of a standard teen with this post about warped tour. Gawd damnit. XD

Anyhow, this is hella later. I went Friday the 11th of July, and it took me until today to post this. But, I didn’t want to leave anything out, I wanted to do the entire experience justice. And, hopefully, by the time I post this, I’ll feel like I have.

So, I’ve been to hundreds of concerts, but most (all?) of them were Grateful Dead concerts that took place sometime before my memory became solid, which was at the age of three, once we moved into the apartment we had in Pennsylvania.

When I was younger, around six to eight years old or so, I went to a Van Morrison concert with my parents and my oldest younger brother. I remember the music being okayish, but, I knew my parents were enjoying it much more than I was, and Van was wearing a purple outfit with a purple top hat. I couldn’t really appreciate something like a concert at that age, and I’m glad there was a break in between that and my next one, so I didn’t just take it for granted.

I saw a concert a bit less than a year ago, maybe less or more than that. It was a bunch of local bands. One was my friend’s older brother’s band, and a bunch of others I never heard of. And one was Shinedown. And I had heard of them, but, I didn’t really know their music. My friend showed me a song of theirs, “I Dare You”. It was okay, I mean, it wasn’t that bad, it was… alright. I wouldn’t listen to it in my spare time, but, I figured they’d have something better, and I might enjoy myself. They in fact did not. That was their best song, and my friend’s brother’s band was actually better than them, in my opinion. Also, the lead singer of Shinedown reaked of pot. XD

I mean, I didn’t expect to be wowed, because I knew they probably wouldn’t play any sort of punk rock or… god damnit, the cliché teen thing. As I was saying: …or piano, or love songs, or anything particularly beautiful. I was just expecting… I don’t know, something… emotion, I guess? But, it just felt like they were reciting something in front of a class. Shinedown fans will hate me for this, but, to me, it was the equivalent of having feces pumped directly through speakers and onto the crowd, which they just seemed to love. And I looked around, and noticed how many people had dark clothing on, and I looked at myself in my bright solid red shirt and my bracelets and kind of realized I didn’t really belong there. So, I made up my mind that the next concert I went to would be something I wanted to see. And that I’d have to hope my friends were going so I could catch a ride, since I don’t have a car of my own.

Then it happened. There was a warped tour coming up. And holy shit, I had money! I had wanted to go the past two years for a variety of bands, and this year, I could actually go. And I instantly knew I was going to have a great time. It was in two weeks. So, I bought the ticket. Every since I’d gotten back though, I felt… off-balance. And about a week before the concert or so, I gave blood. That did it. I felt fine at first, but, the next morning, I woke up fatigued, and I knew I was sick. For the first time in like, three years or so.

Anyhow, I was worried about getting better, and I didn’t realize how physically tolling warped tour could be. And I wasn’t keeping up on my sleep. So, it got to where I had three hours of sleep in the past 52 hours, and I hadn’t had much to eat or drink at all. I was missing at least a pint of blood (I think they took more…), and I was getting over a cold. I was hungry, thirsty, and sleepy. I thought we were going to go out for breakfast, but, we didn’t.

Anyhow, Friday, we drove there, and waited in line for a few hours. People were trying to sell us CDs and all sorts of things, and then we got in.

The first band I saw was Mayday Parade. And they were amazing. They played “Three Cheers for Five Years”, “Black Cat”, and “I’d Hate to Be You When People Find Out What This Song is About” among a few other things. They were really good live.

Then, after they finished, I walked off, not feeling to great, having just been singing at the top of my lungs and jumping and such. I found Farewell, and I knew I wanted to rub it in Darkey’s face that I saw them, and on top of that, they were really good, so, I walked over. They didn’t have many people there, and I felt kind of bad, but the people there seemed excited. Farewell played “Zelda”, “Anchors Aweigh” (or is it away?), “Eighty Eights”, and “War”, among some other songs I didn’t recognize. They were just as good live as they were recorded, and they seemed to be enjoying themselves. One of their guitarists, Buddy, made funny faces when he sang. It was neat. However, partway through “War”, my vision started fading. I realized my mouth was dry, and I had a bit of a headache. I asked a girl where I could find water, and quick, and she pointed me in the exact opposite direction of the closest water stand. I felt like I was losing consciousness, and I’ve never let myself lose it aside from sleeping, so, I kept keeping myself from drifting. Finally, I just asked a woman at a stand where I could find water, and said that I needed it badly, and she just gave me her’s. Apparently, she had a case of it. It was really nice of her though, and I felt better. I bought a $3 water, and a $4 dollar gatorade after that, just to have with me in case.

I found my friends over at the main stage, waiting for Say Anything. As I waited, I heard two people in front of me talking about Jack’s Mannequin, the almost reason I was there. They were the band I wanted to see most. So, I joined in, and I made friends with the girl named Leah. She was really nice. I got the feeling her friend wasn’t overly fond of my forwardness (EDIT: Yeah, she wasn’t. XD), so, I don’t think she liked me. Anyhow, the band for Say Anything was late, but, their singer said he was willing to occupy us. So, he played several songs, and it was good. He played Belt, which I don’t really like, but, he also played A Walk through Hell, which was awesome, and Alive with the Glory of Love! And that was awesome too.

However, by this point, I felt awful. I started feeling like I was going to pass out or something. Again. But, more than anything, I felt sick. I went and bought more gatorade, and I laid down in the grass. I put myself in a hypnogogic state and meditated for a bit, trying to gather my energy back. After 20 minutes of resting, I felt much better, and I didn’t get much worse for the rest of the day.

I went and found my new friends, and lost the ones I knew from my old town, since we’re not really close anyhow. I found them standing in the line waiting to get stuff signed by Say Anything. The guy (David) said someone already came by with a marker and wrote on their hands, so, I wouldn’t be able to cut in with them. Leah said “Of course” I would, and pulled out a marker and wrote on my hand. XD So, I had them sign my blink-182 shirt, that I honestly just happened to be wearing that day. In truth, I didn’t want to wash it for reasons I shouldn’t say publicly, and it was my last clean shirt. Anyhow, the first guy asked “That’s a vintage blink-182 shirt… nice… Are you sure you want me to ruin it?” I paused for half a moment, and realizing I had nothing else for him to sign, I said “yes!”. So, he did. They all signed my sleeve. Leah drew on my shoulder. It says Warped Tour ‘08, and has a person and a flower and the sun. And then David had someone waiting in the line to get stuff signed by Andrew McMahon, so, I did. I had him sign my other sleeve, and I took an awful picture with him where my hair is ridiculously poofy. (Again with the teenage clichés!?)

Anyhow, that was awesome. Then, we went back to the main stage, and Relient K was playing. They played The Best Thing (which was AMAZING), The Sadie Hawkins Dance, and Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been, among other things.

Then, I believe something called Against Me! played, and they weren’t very good, at least to me. Then Gym Class Heroes started playing on the second main stage while Jack’s Mannequin set up. I don’t like Gym Class Heroes very much, but, I did enjoy watching/listening from afar, they actually put on a pretty good show.

FINALLY, Jack’s Mannequin came on, and they opened with Mixed Tape. There’s a line that goes, “As I’m swimming through the stereo, I’m writing you a symphony of sound!”, and when that came on, he sang “As I’m swimming through the stereo”, and he paused for half a moment, and sang “I forgot about the symphony of sound!”. I started laughing. But, he fixed it so gracefully, that if you didn’t know the lyrics, you wouldn’t have known he messed up. They also sang Dark Blue, La La Lie, Holiday from Real, and best of all, Made for Each Other, which was… -amazing- to see played.

There’s something to be said for seeing one of your favorite artists sing one of your favorite songs, right there, right in front of you. Better yet is getting to actually meet him, have him talk to you, and have him sign your shirt. And normally I don’t give a damn about celebrities. I cared really, because I really like his music, the artistic lyrics he has in his music, and moreover, the way it makes me feel when I hear it. Hell, I’d love to meet Van Gogh, but, I’m sure it’s not the same level of artisticness, or at least, most of you would try to convince me otherwise. But, I think music is waaaay cooler than standard art.

Anyhow, after that, my dad was made, and I was wiped. I was ready to go home. I said goodbye to my friends, and I already had their contact information, so, I was hoping I’d have new friends. I found my other friends, and a bit after Angels and Airwaves came on (I heard Everything’s Magic), we drove home. Once my friend left, I did a few things on the computer, practiced a bit of piano and found I still couldn’t sing, and I passed the hell out.

But, it was an amazing day, and this blogging is HELLA late. I meant to post this over a week ago. XD

Anyhow, enjoy!

“But, if you left it up to me, every day would be a holiday… from real!“

Everyone seems to suck at once. The only thing making me want to push forward is knowing that Shelby is somewhere in my future, and knowing that everything is hard for her, too. I know she’d want me to be strong, and I know she’d want me to be in her future. So, we’ll have to be strong for each other.

</teenage angst>

I’m sure I just seem hella teenage cliché to you onlookers by now. I don’t know how to make it stop. XD

But, I’m still in love. I just wish a great many things would stop sucking all at once. I miss my seashell.

You can’t disguise, a heart while it’s breaking, you had me at, that smile you’re faking, it’s all about, the chance you’re taking, oh, don’t you know that you’re making it all come aliiiive!?

Love, music, and sunshine… is how I feel. Cliché, yes. But, despite the general amount of things sucking lately, I’m in love. And it seems to make everything worth so much more. I could reverse it all, and say that everything in my life was in order and going well, and none of my friends were too busy for me, but then…

take Shelby out… but…

so not worth it.

I’m ecstatically excited to be in love with her, and to be loved too. It’s all just so extraordinary. I’m happy, and I’m thankful that through everything, I still have her. My life is far from perfect, but, with her, it doesn’t need to be. Everything else just matters so much less in comparison. For once in probably my whole life, for more than just a moment, I am happy. Albeit lonely. But I’m happy.

Anyhow, as it goes with love, my words aren’t doing me justice. I have to be in a poetic mood to make them sound all romantic and amazing, so, for now, I’ll just say that I love you Shelby, more than I’m capable of saying at the moment, and it’ll be a great while before I’m able to articulate everything perfectly enough to call it the first chapter of the book I’ll write on just how much I truly do love you. =]

It’s all perhaps beyond words.

“I’m wracking my brain for a new improved way, to tell you that you’re more to me than I know how to say….”

EDIT: I sent this to Shelby in a message, and I think it quite well captures what I wanted to express earlier:

“I love you so much. More than words or lyrics or poems or anything I can comprehend can express. Every time my brain and emotional capacity increases, and I can see even higher, it still just towers up continuously, ever out of my comprehension. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully grasp it, but, I think it’s better this way, not having a comprehensible limit.”

Also, I added a lyrics dealie at the top. I likes it. XD

I feel kind of… bleh. I have half of the blog post I was going to post about warped tour done… but, I’m feeling… unmotivated. I went last Friday. It was awesome. I was going to post about it, and all of the things I’d done and all the bands I’d seen, but, I didn’t finish it, and now I don’t feel like it.

I mean, I know where the lack of motivation is coming from. It’s from lack of human contact. That, and several of my close friends are either not talking to me, or are just missing, or very busy. I haven’t seen a solitary living person in a week. And I haven’t had contact with friends in that long either. It doesn’t seem that long, but, there isn’t much to do here. I’m used to at least having someone to talk to. No one’s really calling, and I don’t have circadian rhythms, so, I stopped even sleeping right. None of the jobs I’m trying to get are coming through, and I don’t exactly have this month’s rent, and it’s ony half over….

And I haven’t been hearing from my best friends, my BEST FRIENDS. I haven’t heard from Shelby, but, I’ll get to that in a bit. Brittani is… well, she’s got her issues right now as to why she can’t talk to me. Several reasons I can think of. Sharday… I don’t even know what’s up really, I only know what I’ve heard, but, it seems she’s ignoring me, because of something that has nothing to do with me. Wee. I haven’t heard from Alex, and god knows why. I’m sure he’s just busy with his life. I get calls from José once a week or so, but, he’s doing much less living here then I’d initially imagined. It kind of sucks when your roommate doesn’t actually room with you. I’m kind of confused as to why he’s paying rent. Jessi Mae hates phones, and is busy or something. Darkey is in contact, at least. And Sierra doesn’t seem out of contact, but, doesn’t really seem in it. So, that’s 1/8. That’s a fucking F.

…

F for friends! XD. But, seriously…

I just miss everyone. I realize people are busy, some peopel need time, some people need space, they all have their own affairs, and I mean, at least they aren’t mad at me (I hope? Collective Conspiracy anyone?). But, while they all have their own affairs, they’ve chosen to do it all at once. And that leaves me at a loss. A loss of being able to talk to people that actually understand me, down to my core. And that’s always nice. I’d say Shelby and Jessi Mae have the most accurate grip of who I am, but, it’s nice talking to people who understand what’s going through my heart, and my mind.

And on top of it all, I guess the part that makes or breaks it all is… I miss Shelby. There’s that saying that goes:

“If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don’t have it, no matter what else there is, it’s not enough.”

And that’s holding true. I mean, part of me is ecstatic for being given the privilege to ever even know someone so amazing. Let alone sharing love with them. But, it’s still painful to be without her. My heart still aches to feel her arms around me at night, I still wish I’d wake up to her smell, to her kiss, to her stare, her smile… to her. And, I should be thankful. And I am. Most people go through their life never feeling this, or at least not nearly to this magnitude. But through everything that going wrong, everything that’s goign right, all I can think is just how much I miss her. God, I miss her.

There’s also that ever-present feeling hanging over my head… that feeling that makes me feel like I’m meant to do something great, like I have a great work destined ahead of me… and I guess the first thing that comes to mind would be capability… but, I’m just worried about figuring it out. For me it’s not the performance, it’s not the applause (or lack thereof?), it’s the script. I don’t know what to do next. And to know I have so many people looking to me for the next step… every day I don’t figure out what’s next, I feel like I’m letting them down. But, I guess I’ll just take each day as I have been, reacting to what I can, and helping people when they have problems.

Synopsis: I miss my seashell. I miss my friends. I miss knowing what to do next. I’m ready to start our adventure now.

“Oh… Oh maybeeee… we were made, we were made for each other! Is it possible… for the world to look this way forever?“

I really meant to post sooner, and I don’t really know too much about working this thing yet, but, I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it.

Anyhow, this is intended to be a blog for Lynx and I, cataloging our lives and whatever we want to talk about, as well as a base for the religion she founded based on worshipping me. So, here’s to that. XD

So, I guess I’ll just start. I’m madly in love. Like, ridiculously. It’s so insane. I’ve never been in this much love, I’ve never been around anyone who was in this much love, hell, I almost didn’t believe it was possible. And it’s so amazing. I miss her so much, when we had to part, it made me cry, a lot. I eventually became sick, and I haven’t been sick in ages. About three years or so. I have this great happiness inside of me, but, at the same time, this sadness without her.

I take pride in knowing humans, knowing psychology, knowing the way people work. And I know the way I work. No inner-working of my mind or body is a mystery to me. However, I made a mistake. I didn’t imagine I could ever feel THIS much. It’s… amazing. It makes everything else in my life seem so insignificant. I’ve always been about love, but, this is some entirely new, amazing level.

Also, I get to go to warped tour tomorrow. So, woo.

Reading this back to myself, I sound like some cliché teenager that had been deprived of certain life experiences and is just now getting there. For those of you reading, trying to get a feel for who I am, that isn’t me. it just sounds that way right now. Hopefully who I am will be more clear in the future. =]

Anyhow, anyone viewing this can feel free to join here, comment the blogs, and make your own if you so desire. =]

“Your voiiiiiiiceee… was the soundtrack of my summer, do you know you’re unlike any other? You’ll always be my thunder, and I said, yourrrr eyeeeeesss… are the brightest of all the colors, I don’t want to ever love another… you’ll always be my thunder….“