Praise Fid!

Everything has decided to meet half way between being where I’d be alright, and completely sucking. On one end, I have a place to sleep, make food, use my computer, et cetera, but on the other end I’m with a lot of sucky people. And really, that’s what always ruins any otherwise good situation- people.

So basically, around when I first came here, I met this guy, Dan. He said that he could see I was intelligent, and could use my help. He’d get my help, basically things that weren’t hard, but required intelligence to figure out what to do, especially with computer stuff. He would pay me sometimes, but, usually very poorly. I didn’t really care at the time though, because I was broke and jobless. So, I didn’t even really think of it. The good part was though, through him, I met people. One of which, Drew, whom I really like. He’s been teaching me some things I didn’t know about hardware, and I him about software. I now know how to completely disassemble and reassemble a laptop, whereas before, I could only do that with a standard desktop PC.

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I’m going to cut in here, I remembered about this part toward the end of my typing, and decided to inject it here. Shelby (without consulting me), decided to tell her parents that we were engaged. I wanted to tell them with her and I together, but, she kept saying she wasn’t ready to tell them. When she was, she somehow mentioned it to Jose, but not me. In any event, they were upset, because I’m not Christian, and I’m leading her down the devil’s path or whatever. Also, her mom was upset because I didn’t ask her dad for permission to propose to her (which I think is archaic. I’m also not asking for a goat as dowry. :rolleyes:), and because I’m generally disrespectful, like watching- I kid you fucking not- “atheist cartoons” like Full Metal Alchemist in their home with her.

In any event, they were to be out of town for two weeks, and Shelby’s sister’s boyfriend would always stay there when they were out of town, so, considering Josey and I were homeless, so did we. They came home two days early, and I felt it in my gut that they would, but, I ignored it. Anyhow, after that, they said I was no longer welcome in their home, and they hated me, and after I left, apparently had a talk with Shelby about how awful I was, and how they’d been trying to like me or whatever, but this made it apparent I wasn’t trying or whatever. Anyhow, they hate me, and I thought it should be mentioned.

Back to our regularly scheduled broadcast, already in progress.

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And I said to her, that’s no ham!

-Erm… *cough*

…moving on.

In any event, he eventually introduced us to a guy named Pancho (not poncho, he’s not a rain coat). The moment Dan walked away, Pancho issued us a warning, saying that Dan was a selfish person, only out for himself, and only investing time or money in people when he thought he’d receive a greater return. Now, I’m a cautious person, so, I didn’t have anything invested in Dan that could in any way hurt me, and I hadn’t signed anything or anything like that (although he had casually mentioned some contract). So, I wasn’t really worried. Pancho went on to tell us how Dan would likely betray us if we were no longer an asset to him, or if we became less obedient. But Dan had introduced us to Pancho with the end of getting us housing. And this, Pancho did.

Pancho was sent to prison 20-odd years ago for 2nd degree murder. However, this was not something he had actually done. In his time in jail, he was able to learn a lot, earned his masters in theology, and learned quite a bit about the law. In time, he was able to re-open his case, and prove himself innocent with DNA evidence. Knowing how hard it was for someone out of jail to make his way back into society, when he finally did get back in, he started Project Change, which would be dedicated to actually rehabilitating wayward people, and getting them back into society. However, he also took in people who were homeless, or had no money. I was reluctant to even look at this house, because I pictured something dilapidated, an awful mess with roaches and bugs, and criminals to top it off. But, the house I found myself entering was nice, very clean, well-kept, and had freshly cooked pot roast. And for a time, it was alright.

A few days in, I had brought my computer to the house. I was going to backup all my data, reformat, and install Windows XP Professional onto all my computers, despite Ace’s rave reviews of the Windows 7 Beta. However, after getting my computer out of storage, I found it didn’t turn on. I narrowed it down to a hardware issue, but didn’t know how to fix it. I called Drew, and he said he could come over, that he was helping Dan with something. In the meantime, I’d been using Josey’s laptop, and Josey had been using an old laptop I’d fixed up for Dan, which Dan was letting us borrow, as he had a much nicer one.

For some reason, Dan came with Drew, and was demanding the laptop back, after having agreed the previous day that he’d get it back Saturday. It was Tuesday. Him being somewhat hostile, I didn’t mind denying him, telling him that all of Josey’s data was on it, and we’d need to copy that over first. He told me he didn’t care, and he wanted it back, because it was his. I explained rather firmly that Jose’s data was his own intellectual property, and since we were borrowing it initially with Dan’s permission, that he had to allow us to get said data from it, or he’d be stealing. In addition to all of this, I had downloaded Rosetta Stone on that computer for him, and he’d been wanting me to burn it to DVDs. He had asked me several times for it, and I kept explaining that I had to fix my computer first, as it was the computer that had a DVD burner.

In any event, I was no longer timely, and I think that he thought if he got his laptop back, he could give it to Drew, and Drew could just burn the Rosetta Stone for him. In any event, we argued, and he told me our “friendship was over”, over a laptop, apparently. So, Pancho was truthful. I still stand by my reluctance to believe him initially, but, I also stand by my paranoia, which kept me from investing anything Dan could take me to court over.

Drew offered to help me get Jose’s data, but, when it came to it, Drew didn’t know where it was, and handed me the laptop. I promptly deleted Rosetta Stone, and copied Josey’s data over. Just before it was done though, Dan decided he was fed up with waiting, and wanted to know how I’d gotten my hands back on the computer, and picked it up rather quickly, causing my hard drive to slam on the table and bounce up into the air. It would have fallen onto the floor afterward, but, Drew caught it.

Before leaving, Dan basically took back every nice thing he’d ever said about me, how I was a bad person for “being atheist” despite the fact that I think atheists are almost as ignorant as Christians, although admittedly more tolerable. He also said something about how Shelby’s parents were right to keep her away from me, and how I’d changed since he met me. He went on to say how I was ungrateful for all he’d done for me, despite him repeatedly professing that it wasn’t him doing this good things, it was “God”. He was  and I’m sure still is entirely full of shit. On top of all of this, he said I had a “bad attitude”, which is every “adult’s” excuse for younger people not agreeing with them, or not being entirely compliant. What’s that? In your day, people always listened to their elders? Well, let me tell you something, I have a lot more sense in me than to automatically obey and trust someone simply because they have owned their body longer than I have mine, or because they ended up in some authoritative position.

In any event, I didn’t see Dan after that. I ended up figuring out the computer problem on my own, and got my PC, my guest PC/game server, Josey’s laptop, and Pancho’s office PC (which I also upgraded to 512MB of RAM with some extra that Drew had) all backed up, formatted with Windows XP Professional SP3, and restored. However, my External HDD, which I had all of my originals editable image files for EF, and my music, movies, shows, and just about everything either unique and unrecoverable, or anything that would take a very long time to acquire again, was corrupted. I lost very few things (mostly those editable files), but, I copied almost everything onto the server PC (hereafter referred to as Ezekiel), save the movies and shows. The drive is stable and working again, with many random corrupted folders where the other things used to be. Hopefully, if I can find a way to back up those movies and shows, I will be able to reformat it in FAT32 (I changed in to NTFS a while ago when I was a bit more naive, and also because I needed to store a file that was larger than 4GB), and put those things back. Hopefully then, it will all work properly, but, it’s also possible it’ll just corrupt what I have on there. I don’t know if the data just went corrupt, or if the parts holding it did. But, since fixing it, everything I’ve run on it says it’s entirely healthy with no problems, although sometimes corrupt data is mentioned. I think I may use a recovery program to try to get those PNG files first, but, short of that, it should be alright.

Anyhow, this catches us up with now, and our current housing. There are two boy’s rooms, with four beds each, and all eight were full. Pancho said we could put one of the extra king-sized beds in the office, and stay there. In addition, this room was to be locked whenever we weren’t in it, so, our stuff would be safe, neato. the office was a garage, but, it was spacious, and carpeted in most of the areas that matter. There was an extra fridge which we were allowed to plug in, so now our food is cold, and there’s a microwave and two TVs. The room is also separated with dividers for the part that is his office, so, even though he’s not intrusive, it’s like he’s in a different room when he’s here. He also sleeps in his chair. The bed is off behind one of the dividers, so that’s almost like a different room, too. then there is a series of chairs near the fridges, TVs, and microwave, and then there are two chairs and a coffee table, which is where I’ve set up shop. It’s not entirely terrible.

But, then that brings us to the people. When I first got here, everyone got really pissed at me for never talking to them, and for always holing myself up in the office. They said they were supposed to act like a family here, and I must thing I’m too good for them, and how I’m never out there, or never really talk to them, et cetera. Personally, I am too good for them, considering most of them are on parole save the one woman who is homeless, except she’s like 40 and have a drinking problem. We’re just unlucky kids, who aren’t stupid, aren’t only good for manual labor, and don’t have criminal records or substance abuse problems. I understand this is a sober living home of sorts, but, that doesn’t mean I’m the same as them. They don’t seem to get this. In any event, I’m rather charismatic, and was able to smooth things over enough to where I can keep doing the same thing, and they will be far less upset. They still feel a bit like I’m too good for them, but, that’s just because I glow when I walk. Either way, while they are disgruntled, they aren’t outwardly upset with me, and thus I no longer care.

Anyhow, some time ago, Shelby’s parents told her they were moving to Kansas (I guess to become more hardcore Christians?), and gave her the ultimatum to come with them, or lose their financial support. They were actually surprised when she refused to go with them, but, with how much she and I mean to each other, it was obvious to me. I was able to secure for her a place to stay here, but, unfortunately, the other two girls she has to room with are bitches. They complain about her coming in at all hours of the night, even though she only is doing so to sleep, and only because she’s been up late with me, and that’s only because it’s harder for us to be together during the day. On top of all this, they like waking up early for church or what have you, or sometimes for no reason, and despite the fact that she’s sleeping, they turn the television up very loud, and turn all the lights on, and don’t mind talking. She stood up for herself, and I was glad, but, that wasn’t fruitful. They basically were very selfish, and told her this was their house, not her’s, and that she was going to get kicked out of their room, and she could sleep on the couch or leave or something.

Pancho of course, assured me they can’t do that, and before he or I get involved in (in my case) verbally bitch-slapping the fuck out of those floozies, we’re hoping they are able to work it out amongst themselves. Due to the rules and the minds of people that are here, we’re not allowed to kiss hug, or even really touch in any way that can be conceived as romantic. I’m usually working on EF during the day, fixing something broken, coding something new, or occasionally working on my PC, trying to get everything back the way it was. Somehow, I haven’t had time in the past two or three days to actually sit down and play Postal or GTA or anything. When I play a video game, or read a book, or watch a movie, or go off into my head with a random daydream, I don’t just observe, I am there. I become that person, I experience what they do, and I feel what they do until my mind catches something that seems unrealistic or references my own personality in some way, or if an external source distracts me. And I get distracted easy. In typing this, I have three other projects only part-way done that somehow led me here to type out all of this. Anyhoo, let me tell you, beating someone with a shovel until their head slices off is a stress-reliever.

Anyhow, these people are childish little ingrates. Josey takes them to work for basically not much more money than the gas costs, I do things like unclog the toilet, build a website promoting their cause, and spend a lot of time getting their stupid phone system to work so they can make calls. And the only way they can apparently think to repay me is to torture my fiancée. Awesome.

Here’s the sad part: Shelby is my fiancée, and I know she’s not happy here. We can’t ever touch, and I’m busy during the day, and it seems like every day we plan to leave and spend time together, something comes up, or she has work. Her roommates are selfish, childish idiots, and I’m fed up with it here myself. The sucky part about all of this is, Pancho told his board members Jose and I were here and were getting special privileges because he wanted us to be house managers. Which he does. But to do so, we have to stay here. We’d be getting paid $2,000 a month, which isn’t at all bad, but we’d have to be friendly with those low-lifes, and we’d be stuck here. Let me tell you, I don’t aspire to live in a sober-living home. If we were house managers, Shelby’d be able to sleep in here with me, and we’d be able to be as romantic as we want, but, even that situation still sucks, and we’re still here. I’d still be getting woken up every morning for stupid shit, and Shelby’d still be miserable. So, I’m stuck between trying to not screw Pancho over, because he really needs help, and admitted himself that the people here are like children, and between making Shelby happy.

On top of all this, Josey’s girlfriend was a coward and was afraid to stand up to her parents for him, and even once summer ended and they could see each other again, they’d just be hiding and running around like before. So, he broke up with her. However, now he’s miserable. On top of this, and I’m not certain, but, it seems like he might be developing a crush on Shelby. Which would not be a good thing, because he’d just be miserable. I’m okay with saying this, because I plan on talking to him, and it’s very unlikely he’ll read this, especially before I actually talk to him. So, we’re basically all unhappy.

Something that saddens me, is, my friend Ace is very much like how I used to be. Happy and optimistic, believing the best in everyone, believing that people are mostly good, he loves everyone, even the people he hasn’t met. And I don’t feel that anymore. Everyone just feels like horrible people, pathetic excuses for the materials their made of, failing at justifying the expense of the air they’re breathing. And I don’t like that my outlook is so cynical, but, that is how I honestly feel. Most people are monsters. You have to dig pretty deep to find the good ones, and they are few, and far between at that.

And this gets more personal, but, I can’t seem to do anything supernatural anymore. Very little. Lately, it has been coming back in tiny, random bursts, but, it’s nothing amazing. I haven’t heard from Celia in a long time. And I can’t get in touch with her, even when I try. I feel like I’ve lost a very large part of me, something that made me different than everyone else, something that made me me. I don’t define myself by my abilities, but, they damn sure made me feel like I have a better chance of doing something great, of saving the world or something like it. The odd part about all of that is, I feel like I understand more, like I’m wiser and more knowledgeable, despite myself seeming to indicate otherwise. After all, if I were more correct, why would I be able to do and feel less?

Right, the lack feeling. I don’t seem to be able to feel much. And I can trace this back to a while ago. I remember specific times, my dad and I getting in huge physical fights, confronting Katelyn about cheating on me. Whenever I get upset, my emotions are somehow connected to my eyes, and even if I’m not crying, my eyes still tear just because of how angry or upset I feel, and I really am crying. But, I’m not actually crying, if that makes sense. Anyhow, in the above cases, I’d actually be crying, I’d be so overwhelmed by emotion I wasn’t actually able to do things I needed to be doing, like talk to Katelyn, or in my dad’s case, block. As I became more empathic, emotions made more sense, and I became more distant from them, not that I didn’t feel, but just that they weren’t as overwhelming, as if my capacity for feeling had grown much larger, so the same emotions weren’t as large a deal.

However, while at my grandma’s house, everything pretty much faded entirely. But, that remained the same. Something I have developed though, is to be stronger in times of extreme duress. I become more detached, cold, and unwavering, so I can deal with everything at hand, calculating everything thoroughly, and upon resolving the situation, go off somewhere and actually let everything out. I usually cry, or just sit and think. Sometimes though, this behavior backfires, and I become somewhat angry, while still being cold and detached, and I then just end up cruel and unforgiving, making matters worse. As of lately though, I gained proper control over that, so now, even if I do get angry while trying to be calm and strong and such, I can still remain in control of that.

I’m making this sound worse than it actually is. I sound like I’m trying too hard to control my emotions or something. Anyhow…

Lately, because of everything that’s been happening, I think I might be stuck in some long-term form of this. I’m having trouble feeling things. When I hug Shelby, and hold her really tight, I know I love her, and I feel it a bit, but, it doesn’t feel like it used to. I mean, I know my feelings for her have done nothing but increase, I’m certain. I know in my heart I love her. But, I don’t feel wonderfully overwhelmed by those feelings like I did last summer, like I’m so in love and it might kill be but it’s amazing. It’s like… honestly, I feel tired. Like I really love her, but I’m exhausted, and I’ll feel plenty affectionate in the morning. But, the morning never comes. I always feel like this, in every regard to every emotion. I don’t get overwhelmed anymore. And despite how I made my meddling sound, I know it’s not due to that. It’s something with this situation, and it will return shortly. That’s another thing, I had this in my head, but, I’ve felt like I’ve been getting more intelligent lately, but ignoring the fruits of that. I’m able to figure out more, but, I don’t let it into my main train of thought. I worked very hard to organize my subconscious in such a way where nothing would be there for very long, so I could be aware of almost everything, but, lately, I feel like I’ve been falling back into having one. But, I keep anticipating the things people will say without actually considering them until they say them.

I just need to get out of all of this, I need to be somewhere where I can be happy. A house where I know my stuff is safe, and I can go wherever the hell I want in it, and my close friends and Shelby can live with me, and it can have HELLA fast internet, and everything will be amazing. A house where I won’t have to deal with any idiots, no one saying I’m not acting like their my family despite the fact that they are strangers, I will BE with my real family. That is what I want. I want it to be like that, I want my abilities back, I want to feel overwhelmed by good things sometimes when I am willing to let myself, I want to have all the things that made me happy that I work so hard toward getting back again. I know everyone wants things like this, but, I can say with much certainty that I’m one of the few people who actually deserve it. I’ll get it, and I will do so my way, and not be like everyone else.

But still, I am saddened. Shelby is unhappy, and I feel like it’s my job to fix that, but, I don’t know how. I feel responsible for Josey, too. Despite how unhappy I probably am, and how much none of my old things are working, I don’t seem to be aware of it until I sit down and analyze it during times right now, or when I actually consider it when someone asks “How are you?”. I’ve been staying up ’til around 4am, waking up in the afternoon, looking forward to games and possibly leaving the house with Shelby, but, that will only piss off the other girls because she comes in late, but we have to do it at night or I won’t be able to talk to anyone or fix people’s problems or work on things while the normal people are awake. I want to play games because they make this all more bearable, but, I usually only want to at times like now, and I often end up having to fix something, or going out with Shelby, and not that that’s not great, but, I feel like I don’t have enough time for everything and it’s all just running me over. Part of me wants to love humanity again, but the rest of me thinks about Dan and all the criminals here, and all the horrible people that have made my life progressively worse or made it better but stressed me out in the process so I couldn’t enjoy the “good” times. And I think of the very few good people in my life, and how hard it was to find them, and then I think how I only want to love them, and not waste it on everyone else. I still care for them the way a human cares for another human, and I’d save them if they were dying, but, the relationship ends there. I don’t want to live with them.

I don’t want to have to work in the conventional sense. I can say without being arrogant that I know I’m better than that. I want to work on computers, and make websites and fix servers from shell and play video games in my spare time. I want to hole myself up in my room and not have fake families complaining about how I don’t “participate” in whatever bullshit they are trying to justify their life with, I want my REAL family to tell me to take a break so we can go lay in the grass together. And so many of them are so far away. I want time to be actually finish everything and be DONE with things so I can feel okay playing a video game. I want to talk to people and stop them from committing suicide again, and help them reach happy places in their lives, even if I don’t hear from them after because they don’t need me anymore.

I want all of this, but, I know Shelby wants to be happy too, and I know Josey probably feels lost and stressed as well, and I know that I’m most likely the one that has to take them there, not because I’m obligated but because I don’t think anyone can find that place or get us there except me. I feel like a leader without direction, and I feel like it’s my fault they are sad, and I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.

Anyhow, today, I fixed stuff on EF, and I spent four hours learning that Comcast blocks its modems from accepting connections from routers (so those fuckers can restrict your internet to only one computer or make you pay more) and subsequently how to trick a Comcast modem into thinking your router is actually a computer by cloning the MAC address and quickly switching cables. This is because we were switched to Comcast yesterday, and Verizon shut us off last night at around 2am, so, I had to figure out how to get my router working so Elysia would work, and so I could have internet and such on my PC, and Shelby could use the server for herself, and Josey’s lappy would have internet so he wasn’t so bored. Also, Shelby’s bitchy roommates bitched more, and this seems like one of those situations where I have to do something or it’ll just keep going back and forth with everyone tense and upset.

I will say one thing. I know, having read this, many of you will tell me I need to take a break, and to stop worrying about caring for everyone else, or helping people. But I will not do that. I will find a way to do things this way, or I will die trying, and that is final.

Anyhow, I’ve pretty much poured my heart into this text, and overused “Anyhow”, “In any event”, and “Lately” as segues, so I’m done for now, at 4,848 words, according to Wordpress. Goodnight.

So, I made it out to see Shelby. Lots has happened, but, I’ve been busy with things. I’m currently homeless, but, I have a job lined up, so, things should be alright soon. It probably won’t be until I get some sort of residence that this becomes very active again.  But, I WILL try.

And Shelby and I are engaged, and things are wonderful, in case any of you were wondering.

I realize I haven’t written in a while. It’s because I’ve been so very stressed out. Nothing has gotten better with my grandparents, and I’m suspecting they are plotting to get me to join the navy or something. But, I leave in eight days, and I’ll be with my seashell, and it’ll be amazing. And I’ll finally be happy. For once. I miss her.

I can’t wait to be with her. Once I’m there and have an apartment and internet and everything, I’ll make another entry, detailing everything that happened, at least to some extent.

Everything keeps getting more stressing. I came to my Grandma’s house, and everything was okay at first. But, shortly after, my dad disappeared, and my grandma, and for some reason my grandpa… well, let me give you a little backstory. He ran away when my dad was six. He started dying, and the selfish fucker ended up coming back to be a burden on my grandma for the final parts of his life. He can’t really do much, and he has her like, wait on him, and she does, I guess because she still has feelings for him after 40 years. Or, maybe she’s just compassionate. I’m leaning toward the former.

In any event, this guy, who I only met several months ago, and I barely fucking know (along with my grandma for some reason), are getting on me about how much I suck, and how worthless I am because I don’t have any “direction” in my life. They go on about how web design won’t get me anywhere, and how the past two years of my life are a waste because I haven’t done anything with them. Which, in their eyes means, I haven’t made much money, and I haven’t done anything like college that they think would expedite the process of getting money.

But, they don’t understand how things are today. The market, expecially the web design market, is over-saturated with a bunch of over-qualified dicks with degrees and certifications in everything. Oh, and get this, my grandpa apparently never heard of an MCSE, and called it a two-bit online certification in bullshit. But, I digress…. they are used to their days, when someone could work their ass off and make an honest living in something, being fairly successful if they had degrees. But, it’s not like that anymore, and a bunch of poor, misguided kids are in college, working their butts off for a scrap of paper that’s going to mean very little in this silly world. It’s all about who you know now, and who will hire you because you know someone they know.

Anyways, they yelled at me for all sorts of shit, and told me I’ll never be a success, and working odd jobs to try to get by until my web design stuff picks up is below me, because I’m soooo smart. Well, with that fucking logic, everything short of quantum mechanics is below me. I don’t care, I’m used to having to do things that are below me, since just about everything comes easy. I’m aware of how conceited that sounds, but, it’s really just true. Take it with a grain of salt. They told me I need to go back to college, or join the military. They said how I could only go for two years if I wanted to. My argument was “That’s two years of my life I’d be throwing away so everyone could make my decisions for me, instead of me actually living my own life.” They said it was only two years, and my grandpa bragged about how he was 71. I said that it was “two whole years” to which my grandma replied that that shouldn’t matter, because I’d wasted the past two years of my life.

Heaven for-fucking-bid I tell them that almost everyone I know that’s worth anything came into my life in the past two years, let alone the fact that I have a fiancée. I told them I didn’t define my success monetarily. This pissed my grandma off for some reason. She asked how I defined it. I said “being happy”. And she snapped, “Well, what makes you happy?” And I told her my friends did. And she said my friends were worthless at this point, and where the hell are they now when I’m down and out… I guess she forgot I was just WITH one of my friends, and I came here of my own accord because I was stressed there because of his dad, and I was told it’d be more relaxing there. They offered.

So, what the hell?

The past two years of my life… I learned so much. I saved so many people’s lives, hundreds. I helped lots of people stop cutting, too. I’ve done a lot. But, telling them that my friends make me happy… that upset them. So, imagine if I were to tell them that I liked helping people, and that’s what I want to do with my life, or despite the fact that I’m so young, I’m in love already, and I know she’s the one, and I want to marry her, and she wants the same thing….

Damnit, it’s like selfishness is so hard-coded into them that they can’t even comprehend me wanting to do something altruistic with my life. It’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t want to be normal, I want to do extraordinary things… so, why would the path I choose be full of mediocrity?

I second-guessed myself a lot, based on what they said, I wondered if I was wrong, if I was just lazy, or if I was being self-sabotaging because I’m capable of so much… based on my IQ, test scores, percentiles… things that are so high I don’t want anyone to know (because I have a weird thing about people not treating me equally)… for the first time in years my self-esteem has actually been in the negatives.

I still feel like crap, and I’m still depressed, but, I thought about everything, I re-evaluated some long-held opinions, and I came to the conclusion that they’re wrong. I was right all along. They are just the same fuckers other good people come across in their life, trying to hold them back for whatever reason. Just so everyone can be one big, societally-conforming, happy family. But, that’s not who I am. I don’t even like most of my family, and I never really did. I mean, I love them, I love everyone, but, I’m not part of them. I’m not part of any of this crap.

It could be delusional, but, regardless, I believe it. I’m something different, and I’m going to do great things. And not a damned one of them will stop me.

To think that there could be so many things I’m capable of, so much good I could do, so many people I could help… and they want to hold me back based on the grounds that it’s not normal, standard procedure? Because everyone else is doing the same basic thing, and most mediocrely successful people all do this thing, so, I should too?

Fuck.

That.

Shit.

There’s a chance I may fail, but, there’s also a chance I may succeed, and all of the people who have actually made something magnificent with their life, all the people who changed people’s lives, all of the people who made history doing something amazing, all the people who changed the world for the better, and were remembered as one of history’s greatest people-

-they weren’t normal.

Anyhow, today was Thanksgiving. No one yelled at me, and I enjoyed the food. My internet is really slow though, and it sucks. It’ll hopefully be faster soon. I hope everyone enjoyed their day, and I hope, not because of commercialism, but, just because everyone thinks about this sort of thing around this time (I always do, and often express it )… I hope you all have at least one person, not any thing, but, one other human that you care about, that you’re thankful is in your life, because without them, it wouldn’t be nearly the same, it wouldn’t be nearly as happy, and without their impact, it wouldn’t be your life.

Have a great day, everyone!

I’m moving tomorrow. Again. So, everything promises tobe hectic. Although, on the bright side, I met Alyse today. Although, the whole affair was a tad disappointing. *shrugs*

Ooh, I get to meet Sharday tomorrow, hopefully. *crosses fingers*

I’m not sure I’m entirely excited about moving in with family. I don’t feel the same way about my family that most people do, but, I have my reasons. It’s either going to be more or less stressful, and I can’t tell which.

I just miss Shelby. I’m sick of not being with her. She’s my world, and I miss her so much. It’s like she said, it’s home. And it’s like I’ve been away from home for so long. And she’s so sad, I just wish I could be there for her, and make her feel better. I know just being with her would make my day week life.

End.

Normally I don’t stress very much, but, lately, I’ve been really stressed. Thus my apparent lack of posting lately. Also, I’ve been working on some server stuff to try to get KefkaTube up and running. It’s not going terribly well.

The economy isn’t really doing that well, and even with two jobs, we weren’t able to afford rent. So, my roommate and I moved into his dad’s house as a temporary thing, and… I hate it here, to say the least. For some reason, the air conditioner doesn’t work in the room I’m staying in, so, it’s really hot. Temperature seems to affect my overall quality of life. I have far more internet than I thought I would though. I feel distant from everyone though, I can’t find a job, and I really miss Shelby.

On the bright side, I’m really in love. And she finally told her parents that we met. I really hate this whole dihonesty thing, but, every time I insist she be honest with them, or I do it myself, it all explodes and erupts into something even worse. She’s right, they really don’t want to know. I guess I just find it hard to comprehend that people can really be like that. I mean, I know they are out there, but, it’s disheartening to actually deal with them. People just keep continuing to disappoint.

Anyhow, I should hopefully be moving soon. Not somewhere much better, but, it’s at least with my family, and has air conditioner.

Hopefully I’ll be able to post more, barring something unforeseen.

I loves me a Shelby.

People seem to keep having their own damned problems that they shove down my throat like I aske dfor them, which is fine, because I’d probably get around to it anyways, but, they have this tendency to impress them upon me, like I’m the fault of them.

The part that actually sucks is knowing they are wrong, and also knowing there’s not much I can do to make them see it.

They are always right this time, and I need to learn to trust them, but, after the bomb goes off, and after the smoke clears, I’m the one left to pick up the pieces. Which is fine, once.

Or twice.

Or twenty times.

But, eventually, you think they’d catch onto the part where maybe they start taking my advice? Where maybe they start trusting me, or acting like I know what I’m talking about? I mean, I’m not asking them to blindly follow, just to consider what I’m saying, maybe not shoot it down immediately? I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request, really.

In the end, all I really end up doing is wondering if I’m actually helping them get to where they were, or if they are just an algorithm that was always going to do what they ended up doing, and maybe I was just there for it.

Either way, it’s significantly annoying to go on the same ride over and over…

and over.

And in the end, they take it out on me. The time I don’t want to be there for their crap, the time I don’t want to pick up their pieces, maybe the time I just don’t want to be involved in the stress… I’m a bad friend who always causes things, and no wonder <insert whatever my current problem is>. It’s surely because people hate/loathe/dislike/think I’m conceited/whatever. They don’t seem to remember everything I’m done with, or maybe even that I’m not the bad guy, before they lash out at me saying how awful I am.

And by some screw up, they’re all I have to turn to when things go badly for me. Oh, fun.

“You make it sound so easy to be alive… But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day, when everything inside of me has died? My reply: Trust me girl, I know your legs are pleading to leap, but I offer you this easy choice: instead of dying, living with me….“

How real is it? I mean, is it real? Everyone seems to make up lies on the spot, to think they are more important. Is there any truth in the words they say, or are they completely lies? Do these people actually believe their lies, or do they not want to admit the truth because they’ve stuck by the lies for so long. Is it a matter of pride, of giving up all the time and fighting they’ve wasted on it, or have their lies even fooled themselves?

More than any of that, is that what I’ve done, is that what I’m doing? Have I lied and fooled myself too? Or am I different? But what if I’m the only one, how can I accurately tell if I’ve never seen someone like me before?

Is any of it real? Am I even real?

And these nights I get high, just from breathin’, when I lie here with you, I’m sure that I’m real…

And that’s the only time. I miss you, and I need you. I need to be with you again, to feel your breath on me, to feel you breath the air out of my lungs… I miss you. My life is all a large attempt to be near you again, to hold you in my arms.

I love you.

And it makes me really, really happy. =]

I’ve been horribly, miserably busy with web work as of late, so, there’s been a lack of posts. Aside from falling harder and harder for my seashell, nothing has been terribly eventful. I made a few new friends though, so, woo! I hope you’re all having a wonderful day!

I’m falling more in love with every single word, you say… I’m falling head over heels for you… I’ve been dancing on the tops of buildings, with you….

I feel so very far away, so very distant from everyone. I don’t like it. I’ve felt rather sad lately. I’ve been doing a lot of work on a private server, and watching FMA. That’s about it. Also, I made a new friend. I like her a lot.

But that’s it, I’m sad, alone. And I really miss Shelby. A lot.

“It’s so close, but, we’re so far away…”

(^ I think I’ve used that one already before. I’m not checking.)