Praise Fid!

I’m moving tomorrow. Again. So, everything promises tobe hectic. Although, on the bright side, I met Alyse today. Although, the whole affair was a tad disappointing. *shrugs*

Ooh, I get to meet Sharday tomorrow, hopefully. *crosses fingers*

I’m not sure I’m entirely excited about moving in with family. I don’t feel the same way about my family that most people do, but, I have my reasons. It’s either going to be more or less stressful, and I can’t tell which.

I just miss Shelby. I’m sick of not being with her. She’s my world, and I miss her so much. It’s like she said, it’s home. And it’s like I’ve been away from home for so long. And she’s so sad, I just wish I could be there for her, and make her feel better. I know just being with her would make my day week life.

End.

Normally I don’t stress very much, but, lately, I’ve been really stressed. Thus my apparent lack of posting lately. Also, I’ve been working on some server stuff to try to get KefkaTube up and running. It’s not going terribly well.

The economy isn’t really doing that well, and even with two jobs, we weren’t able to afford rent. So, my roommate and I moved into his dad’s house as a temporary thing, and… I hate it here, to say the least. For some reason, the air conditioner doesn’t work in the room I’m staying in, so, it’s really hot. Temperature seems to affect my overall quality of life. I have far more internet than I thought I would though. I feel distant from everyone though, I can’t find a job, and I really miss Shelby.

On the bright side, I’m really in love. And she finally told her parents that we met. I really hate this whole dihonesty thing, but, every time I insist she be honest with them, or I do it myself, it all explodes and erupts into something even worse. She’s right, they really don’t want to know. I guess I just find it hard to comprehend that people can really be like that. I mean, I know they are out there, but, it’s disheartening to actually deal with them. People just keep continuing to disappoint.

Anyhow, I should hopefully be moving soon. Not somewhere much better, but, it’s at least with my family, and has air conditioner.

Hopefully I’ll be able to post more, barring something unforeseen.

I loves me a Shelby.

People seem to keep having their own damned problems that they shove down my throat like I aske dfor them, which is fine, because I’d probably get around to it anyways, but, they have this tendency to impress them upon me, like I’m the fault of them.

The part that actually sucks is knowing they are wrong, and also knowing there’s not much I can do to make them see it.

They are always right this time, and I need to learn to trust them, but, after the bomb goes off, and after the smoke clears, I’m the one left to pick up the pieces. Which is fine, once.

Or twice.

Or twenty times.

But, eventually, you think they’d catch onto the part where maybe they start taking my advice? Where maybe they start trusting me, or acting like I know what I’m talking about? I mean, I’m not asking them to blindly follow, just to consider what I’m saying, maybe not shoot it down immediately? I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request, really.

In the end, all I really end up doing is wondering if I’m actually helping them get to where they were, or if they are just an algorithm that was always going to do what they ended up doing, and maybe I was just there for it.

Either way, it’s significantly annoying to go on the same ride over and over…

and over.

And in the end, they take it out on me. The time I don’t want to be there for their crap, the time I don’t want to pick up their pieces, maybe the time I just don’t want to be involved in the stress… I’m a bad friend who always causes things, and no wonder <insert whatever my current problem is>. It’s surely because people hate/loathe/dislike/think I’m conceited/whatever. They don’t seem to remember everything I’m done with, or maybe even that I’m not the bad guy, before they lash out at me saying how awful I am.

And by some screw up, they’re all I have to turn to when things go badly for me. Oh, fun.

“You make it sound so easy to be alive… But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day, when everything inside of me has died? My reply: Trust me girl, I know your legs are pleading to leap, but I offer you this easy choice: instead of dying, living with me….“

How real is it? I mean, is it real? Everyone seems to make up lies on the spot, to think they are more important. Is there any truth in the words they say, or are they completely lies? Do these people actually believe their lies, or do they not want to admit the truth because they’ve stuck by the lies for so long. Is it a matter of pride, of giving up all the time and fighting they’ve wasted on it, or have their lies even fooled themselves?

More than any of that, is that what I’ve done, is that what I’m doing? Have I lied and fooled myself too? Or am I different? But what if I’m the only one, how can I accurately tell if I’ve never seen someone like me before?

Is any of it real? Am I even real?

And these nights I get high, just from breathin’, when I lie here with you, I’m sure that I’m real…

And that’s the only time. I miss you, and I need you. I need to be with you again, to feel your breath on me, to feel you breath the air out of my lungs… I miss you. My life is all a large attempt to be near you again, to hold you in my arms.

I love you.

And it makes me really, really happy. =]

I’ve been horribly, miserably busy with web work as of late, so, there’s been a lack of posts. Aside from falling harder and harder for my seashell, nothing has been terribly eventful. I made a few new friends though, so, woo! I hope you’re all having a wonderful day!

I’m falling more in love with every single word, you say… I’m falling head over heels for you… I’ve been dancing on the tops of buildings, with you….

I feel so very far away, so very distant from everyone. I don’t like it. I’ve felt rather sad lately. I’ve been doing a lot of work on a private server, and watching FMA. That’s about it. Also, I made a new friend. I like her a lot.

But that’s it, I’m sad, alone. And I really miss Shelby. A lot.

“It’s so close, but, we’re so far away…”

(^ I think I’ve used that one already before. I’m not checking.)

I miss Shelby so much. It’s driving me insane. In a good way, I suppose. She’s all I think about at night, I drift off to sleep only because I’ve convinced myself for long enough that she feels like she’s close to me. I dream about her, I wake up with her, and then realize she’s gone. I think about her all day, day dreaming about her and trying to strategize the best way to see her and be with her for the rest of forever. Once I see her, I don’t want to have to leave her, for as long as I live. And even after that. That lasts until it’s late again, and I’m again wishing her beside me.

I keep hoping one time I’ll wish hard enough, and she’ll just be here. I… keep failing.

Anyhow, this weekend, I was taking classes for my security license. Hopefully this job won’t suck. I must admit… I feel a bit… off. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why out of everyone, I don’t want to do the things everyone else does so badly. I feel like by getting a normal job, I’m resigning myself to mediocrity, to a normal life. But I’m not normal. I’ll never be normal. I don’t want to ever be normal.

Everyone has dreams, and everyone wants them to happen… so many people try to postpone their dreams so they can do what they need to right now… and their dreams never happen. And it feels to me like the fundamental mistake they are making… is trying to lead a normal life. They call entrepreneurs risk-takers, because they risk everything they have to try to make some sort of multi-national-billion-dollar company. Most of them fail. Most of the ones that succeed seem to be awful people. So, our choices seem to be mediocrity, failure, or despicableness.

And it may be selfish, immature, or unrealistic, but, I don’t want any of those. I want to be a good person, help a lot of people, and become someone truly amazing. I’m not okay with mediocrity. I’m not okay with living the same life as everyone else. And I’m certainly not okay with being a bad person. I feel like getting myself a job, even if it is just to make money to try to get to her, is resigning myself to the same mediocrity that I’m so desperately trying to avoid. But… when I think about it… the love we share… there’s nothing mediocre about that. Even if no one knows, we’ll go down in unspoken history as the greatest love of all time- ever.

But… I have to make sure I never forget my dreams, that I never resign myself to being normal, or doing what I need to do to get by. I have to make sure I stay myself, and leave my life up to the inclination of fate, and the sheer luck and skill that seem to follow my life around. I don’t ever want to let myself do something normal for a living. I don’t ever want normalcy to consume my life. I want my life to be extraordinary, extravagant, stupendous, marvelous, magnificent- anything but ordinary. I won’t ever let myself forget that.

And I love her. More than anyone else can possibly imagine.

I don’t want to turn out like my father, or my relatives, in fact- I don’t want to turn out like anyone I ever met. I want to turn out like me. I don’t necessary need to be in the history books, but, I want to make the world a better place, and maybe I want my grand kids to look back with pride on their granddad, because he was a hero.

And I’m not coming to any of these conclusions now. Not by a long shot. I’m more just… remembering them, bringing them to the surface, reminding myself not to let my life fall into mediocrity, and expressing myself, as I often do, getting it out of my system, so everyone in earshot knows. And I suppose the idea of failing makes me feel a bit uneasy. Saying it aloud (or typing it) seems to make it feel more true, just expressing it, just getting my intent out, projecting it to the universe. I feel like if I believe strongly enough, it’ll be more likely, or harder to stop me.

I’m not deciding this now, I’m saying it. I’m going to do great things. I have to.

“With stars in your eyes, and with fire at your fingertips… burn down this city and everyone in it…“

Nothing has really changed. I start my second “real” job tomorrow. As if I need a real job to prove myself in the eyes of society. Fuck that shit. But, either way, I need to save up money for it all.

And I can’t stop reading that. It’s so extraordinary. It’s insane. I think I’m up to nine times per page now.

But, nothing new at the moment. I’ve just been working on my sites. nothing creative, no novel ideas, just busy. Exciting, no? Anyhow, the uneventfulness should pass soon.

“It’s so close, but we’re so far away…”

It’s all I can really say after reading that. I read it three times. It was so amazing. I can’t say what, because I shouldn’t, not on here, not now… but, I’m overly excited. It’s so utterly amazing.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to post about it? But gosh, am I happy.

“And these nights, I get high, just from breathin’… when I lie here with you, I’m sure that I’m real… like that firework over the freeway… I could stay here all day but that’s not how you feel… so why do you leave these questions unanswered? The circus awaits and you’re already gone… my Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile… what makes it so easy for you to be… walking by?“

My last post inspired me to compile a list of all my pet peeves. So, here goes:

• The phrase “pet peeve”. I like pets, and the word peeve is fine by itself. I even like “Peeves”, the ghost from Harry Potter. But this phrase bugs the shit out of me. It sounds like something uttered by a complete tool, the same kind who’d use words like stick-to-it-ive-ness.
• Complete tools.
• The word sticktoitiveness.
• The fact that freezers have no lights.
• The fact that bags of chips are only half way full when first opened.
• The large amount of people who have no real personality, yet have an over-earnestness in telling you just how awful you are for not sticking to societal norms.
• Blatantly incorrect grammar.
• Societal norms.
• Stupid people.
• Ignorance.
• People who are too stuck in their ways to try a new method for the same end.
• People who use one bad experience as a means to justify not doing something ever.
• People that have strong views on irrelevant things that hold no pertinence to life, yet run their life based on aforementioned views
• Religion.
• Politics.
• The word ‘umpteenth’.
• The word ‘uber’.
• When people say “welcome back” in IM conversations when you get back from a few minutes. It bothers me unless you were on vacation or something.
• Unfinished lists, especially ones about pet peeves.